Three and a Half Hours of Torture
by dls
Summary: Sometimes in season 5. Spike takes Angel to see Return of the King. This is very silly and pokes fun at Return of the King. Rated M to be safe.


This must be fate's way of revenge for saying, "Do your worst!"

And you know what, I didn't even say it. Spike did. But does he get to suffer? Of course not. I do.

"Building your happiness on my pain…" I mumble and shoot him the most vicious glare I can muster without shifting into game face.

Damn vampire hearing, because he just turns to me and grins annoyingly. "Stop pouting, you poof. Or are you trying to compensate for that overhanging forehead of yours?"

I continue to glare and it has no effect on him. Not that it's any surprise.

"I do not pout." Really, I don't. I just don't see why Spike insisted on dragging me to see this movie. And I don't want to be here. And I hate these small theater seats. And I hate the smell of popcorn. And I definitely do not have an overhanging forehead. I open my mouth to hurl another insult his way, only to be shushed by him.

"Shush, you poof."

Wonderful, this movie opens with two people fishing and not fifteen minutes later; one has strangled the other to death. Of course, Spike is ecstatic while I have learned to despise four words: Return of the King.

Huh, now it shifts to a slimy-looking guy with a filthy rag that's not doing anything to cover his privates. I think I had something like that while stumbling along the streets of New York looking for rats. Best not think of those days, I still avoid the city because the air makes my skin crawl.

And now this Gollum is talking to himself. Is this Spike's way of making fun of Angelus and me? If so, I'm not amused. It is not funny. He only walked in on me talking to the mirror once. Once! Not that Angelus and I have regular conversations or anything. Never mind.

More boring stuff. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Then the movie drones on about various mystical creatures, half of which I see at work and a ring that has the power to rule all. There are at least two dozens of rings with similar power in the storage room on the seventh floor. And no, real elves are not so well-groomed as this Lego-whatever.

Ohh! A guy is on fire and runs off the cliff. Maybe this isn't so horrible after all. Spike should have told me it was a comedy. It's amusing for any vampire or fire-fearing demon when someone else is on fire. It's sort of like "Ha ha, it's not happening to me!"

Err…scratch the comedy thought. No one else in the theater is laughing besides Spike and me. Not a good sign.

Despite Spike's claim of his love and his absolute need to see this movie, he seems as bored as I am. He fidgets in his seat, throws popcorn at people's head, laughs at inappropriate moments and refers to the hobbit named Sam as the "fat one" while making up dialogues between the fat…Err, I mean Sam and Frodo.

"You're as bored as I am, let's go." I suggest quietly.

It surprises me when Spike refuses. "Nah, peaches. Just wait a bit. There's something I want to show you."

"What do you want to show me? You haven't seen this movie before either."

"I didn't see it, but I saw the scene when I sneaked in."

"When were you at the theater? And what did you see?" And why didn't you ask me along? Thankfully, I manage not to blurt out the last question.

"Love Actually."

"You saw Love Actually?"

"It's a British film!"

"You saw Love Actually!"

"Would you stop repeating that?"

"You saw Love Actually?"

"You sound like a broken record now. By the way, I totally didn't break your Mozart record."

"You saw Love… What about my Mozart… Hey!"

A rain of popcorn lands on our heads.

Spike snickers as he brushes off the popcorn on his shoulder. "You look quite fetching with the popcorn in your hair."

"Shut up." I shake my head and watch in disgust as a piece of popcorn falls on my lap. "That one has butter!" I glare at the stain on my pants.

"Stop your whining. The important scene is coming on."

Apparently wiping the butter stain with my sleeve isn't the best idea. Now I have two stains. Great.

I almost snarl when Spike pokes me on my side but then I hear the fat…Sam…oh screw it! the fat one is saying something in response to something Frodo has said about his burden.

At that moment, I know why Spike had to drag me to see this poor excuse of a film.

"I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." Spike whispers this in my ear the same time as the fat one does.

This is what Spike's trying to say all along. I grab his hand and link my fingers through his. "You'll carry me?"

"Yeah, but you need to lose some of that lard on your belly first."

"I am not fat!"

"Whatever. Fat one."

"You're the fat one! You said his lines."

"Whatever." He pulls me close for a quick kiss. "Poof."

Just when I lean in for another kiss, another shower of popcorn falls on us and the moment is lost.

Now that the scene is over, maybe we can leave…or not. As I begin to rise, Spike grips my arm and yanks me back down in my seat.

"What are you doing? Let's get out of here."

"Nah, want to see if Gollum gets the ring or not."

So due to Spike's fascination and support of Gollum - he seems to be the only one in the theater rooting for Gollum - I stay. This is probably the closest I've come to being on a date with him, despite the fact that this is no doubt some form of torture.

Spike cackles at something on screen that obviously shouldn't be laughed at. Oddly enough, I find it endearing rather than annoying. I pull my duster over us as more popcorn rains from above.


End file.
